Sunday, December 16, 2012

Face the fear

Today a fellow bereaved mom, still fresh in her grief posted about holding a baby for the first time since her son passed away.  She shared her fears and why she didn't want to hold another baby.  She finished by saying: 
"just know that when you are faced with holding a baby again the sweet innocence they share with you in your moment does help heal a small part of you"
My first time to hold a baby after Ian's death was also healing.  It was only about 2 weeks after Ian passed away.  The niece of a close friend was born the day before Ian - she came to visit while I was there at my friend's house.  My friend asked if I could hold her while they brought some things in from the car.

She was fussy and as soon as I took her into my arms, she quieted down.  I held her close to me and closed my eyes - but only for a moment... it was too easy to pretend that she was Ian.  The mom came in and wondered aloud how I got her to calm down and my friend said "she's a mom with experience!" and then it dawned on everyone how hard it must be for me - I saw it in their eyes.  I looked down at the baby girl and gave her her bottle, then handed her back to mom.  

It was a terrible and blessed experience.  Cathartic, I believe is what they call it.  
It is only through facing our fears and the toughest moments of life, then living to tell about it, that we grow into ourselves.

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