Don't knock it 'til you try it - a review of Fifty Shades of Grey

Maybe you've read some "holier than thou" articles on why a Christian shouldn't read the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" and you've thought "yeah - you don't know what you're missing!"  Well, read on my friends!

Source: google.ca via Kristina on Pinterest

It's true - they don't know what they are missing!  I read the first 11 chapters last night.

Let me back up a little bit though, before I tell you what I think of the book.

Does it matter who you are friends with?

In my opinion, we have to guard our marriage from outside influence much the way we guard our children:  We are careful about who they interact with, never leave them unattended and always affirm and care for them.  We don't do this to control them, but to protect them.

How to get your husband to do more around the house

First, make sure that you appreciate him for what he does do, even if it's "his job". When he takes out the trash, say thank you (even if it's the third time you've reminded him) Don't nag. You can remind him, but do it in a loving way (i.e. Honey, tomorrow is trash day, would you mind putting the garbage cans out tonight. Next day: Babe, today is trash day, could you please set the trash out for me? Later: Sweetie, did you remember to take the trash out, I know you're busy so I just thought I'd remind you.)

Death, Birth Control, Duggars and Mega Families (I have one)

Duggars announce #20 on the Today show

"Ah, the Duggars! Just the name stirs so many emotions! You won't encounter many people who don't have a strong opinion on this topic!"

So started my response to a post in an online grief forum this morning.  One of the recently bereaved moms had vented her anger that the Duggars will soon have 20 children and she can't even have one.  Her "Friends" on Facebook had chimed in their two cents (and many cheap shots).

When I was in fresh grief, the only people that I felt deserved babies were people who had lost babies. No one else had a right to procreate!

• Unwed teens? NOPE! 
• College party girls? NOPE! 
• Childless couples? NOPE! 
• Someone with a living kid or two? NOPE! 
• Happily married high-school sweethearts? NOPE! 
• Remarried blended families? NOPE! 
• The Duggars? NOPE! 

Why should anyone else be blessed with a child when mine was taken away?

I've been schooled

I love that the Holy Spirit teaches us.

I've been working hard to get a concept through to my children: It's about the heart and the motive.  For instance, if you want to kiss your little brother (or your big brother!) and they don't want to be kissed - what is a kiss?  It's an expression of love.  Is it loving to hold them down and yell "I'm just trying to kiss you!"  Nope!

If you want to hold the door for a lady and she wants to do it herself - what is holding the door?  Being a gentleman, showing kindness.  Is it kind to stand there with your back against the door and refuse to let her open it herself?  Uh, no!

The most recent conversation came after one didn't say "thank you" to the other for getting them something.  I asked the offended child "Did you do it for the 'thank you'?"  The reply was "no".  I went on to explain that when you serve someone you should do it because you love them and want to show God's love to them.  If you're doing it for the 'thank you', you're doing it for the wrong reason.

Fast forward to Wednesday night.  I was sick, my ears hurt, I got about 4 hours of sleep before the pitter patter of little feet and hungry call of a newborn greeted me.  I fixed breakfast, woke the older kids, nursed the baby and directed chores.  I resisted the urge to crawl back in bed.  I fixed lunch, washed dishes, washed laundry, vacuumed the living room, broke up a fight, took a medical collections call and took the toddler to Sonic.  I worked up the courage to check on my sleeping baby, since it had been over 2 hours.  Dad came home early (and unexpectedly) because the weather was bad (and he had a migraine).  He entered to delighted squeals of "Daddy's home!", went to the bedroom, changed clothes and came to the dining room to find me working on a custom jewelry order.

He looked into the kitchen and said "Is the kitchen table here to block someone or did someone sweep?"  Huh?  That's what you noticed?  The table out of place, not the clean floor?  Not the piles of folded laundry?  Not the clean counters?  Not the clean floor in the living room?  Not your wife subsidizing the family income, while she's sick?

I forgot my own lesson.  I picked a fight on the way to church, lamenting my day and how he didn't notice anything that we had done!  His response?  "I didn't feel good either, but I still had to go to work too."   My thought?  "But you get PAID!"  I didn't say anymore, we had arrived for our small group, where we discussed the importance of the Holy Spirit, being filled to overflowing so that we could share the gospel and serve others.

I felt a little teaching, but still was discontent.  I was moved even more the next day when I read the following:

‎'If you're not happy with who you are then chances are you want to be like someone else. The problem is God created you to be you.' - Mark Brown

and then:

I don't know the key to success --- but the key to failure is trying to please everyone. Bill Cosby

and then:

Want to blow the cloud cover off your gray day? Accept God’s direction. -Max Lucado

and finally:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9 NIV

I need to accept that it is God's will and plan for me to be right where I am, right now.  Snotty noses, puke fountains, sibling rivalry, pre-teen angst, rolling eyeballs, dirty diapers, mountains of laundry, dirty dishes... this IS my natural habitat for this season.  I can't believe that after all this time I still need to be taught (again and again and again) that IT'S THE HEART!  It's the how and why of what I do, whether anyone ever notices or not.  Even when I feel invisible.

Parenting Philosophies - (get a cup of coffee - it’s a long one!)

Another one from the archives... October of 2009.  I can tell a definite difference in my reflections on my upbringing now!  I wish that I had been a little less sarcastic in this writing, as I'm sure that it was misread as caustic!  I wish I had included many of my favorite memories of childhood, like impromptu rubber-band fights with my parents, midnight trips to What-A-Burger and downtown to pay bills, family vacations and "country church" (When we'd just go for a drive and pull over somewhere to read the Bible together!)  Ah, well I know that I am a work in progress, here's a little proof!

A friend posted a blog about her parenting ideas and I thought it might be interesting to do the same.  We are all so different, yet all of us love and care for our children.

A pivotal moment in my own parenting career was a word of wisdom from a dear friend.  I was expressing my concern that I wasn't doing something "right" and telling her of my search for information.  She told me "You care.  That makes you a good parent.  Bad parents DON'T care."  That forever changed my outlook and gave me a much needed dose of confidence!

My background:  I was raised in a very strict Christian home.  We weren't allowed to watch unrestricted TV (we had to use a highlighter on the TV guide to mark the program we were interested in and get it approved, only 1 hour per day and if there was a 2 hour movie on, my brother and I had to go in together to watch the whole thing!), we didn't have cable until I was about 12 and we only had one TV.

We were home schooled to protect us from the evils of peer pressure, drugs and alcohol and of course pre-marital sex.  Also, this prevented us from being "indoctrinated into the left-wing agenda of socialism and one-world government", evolution, and the "re-writing of history to eliminate our Christian heritage".

No toilet-papering or practical jokes of any kind were allowed.

We attended church regularly, although not excessively.  We listened to Christian radio (mostly talk radio - I hated that!) and I was banned from listening to Amy Grant after she "crossed over into the mainstream media".  (Bummer, I really liked her - anyone want to go with me to the concert in Ft. Worth on Nov. 14th?)

We were told that pre-marital sex is a sin and that you'd probably get pregnant anyway, so you shouldn't "do it".

Fast forward to college:  I thought everyone was like me, boy was I in for a surprise!  My first roommate's best friend was a vegan (didn't even know what that was) who wore all black and had her tongue pierced!  I thought she was a Satanist for sure!  I lasted one semester at a Public" university and transferred to (insert angelic music here) Southwestern Assemblies of God University.  There, I was certain, everyone would be more like me.  Another big surprise!  Apparently even Christian families are different! Many of my friends weren't virgins!  Some thought that drinking was ok!  Some were opposed to Homeschooling all together!  Many watched terrible TV shows, like 90210 and Friends!  Oh, the scandal, oh the horror, oh the reality!  (I hope that you are reading this with the touch of previously forbidden sarcasm with which it was written!)

I married William, who was raised in a Christian home, but much more liberal.  They had TV's in every room, including the kitchen and bathroom (seriously).  He watched anything he wanted, including horror movies when he was only 9 or 10 (and he wasn't a Satanist – my world was changing by the minute!)  He smoked at 14, and cursed so much the visiting airmen in his parent's military home were embarrassed (not that's something!) 

Opposites attract?  You think?  LOL

So, parenting was a major discussion issue in our relationship.  We each had things that we were committed to about our upbringing, as well as things that we hated and promised to "never do to our children".  We decided early on that our style would be a blend of our upbringings, choosing the best from each.  We think of our style as "conscientious parenting". 

We learn all we can, we have goals in place of what we want our children to learn and be, always being aware of what God-given talents and dreams they each have.  So, we have to be "students of our children".  We look at each situation as an opportunity to learn something new about our children, listen to them and then guide them in the way that we feel is most appropriate.  The very early years were spent in a "traditional" way of parenting, instruction and correction (lather, rinse, repeat – ad nauseum!  It takes a lot of dedication and patience to "instill" character in children who are born with a natural selfishness (aka "sin nature")) We have high expectations ("children will live up to what you expect of them, so aim high!") and try to correct with Grace, after all, God parents us with Grace – he doesn't smite us every time we make a mistake!

We believe that no matter what discipline method you choose, the most important thing is consistency.  If you say "if you stand on the table one more time, I'm gonna…" then you had better! 

We also believe that children learn much more from what they see, not what your say.  If they see you return the extra when you are given too much change, or go back into the store to pay for something that was under the car seat and forgotten, then they will learn to be honest.  If they see you going out of your way to help someone, then they will learn to value kindness.  If they see you choosing to do right, they will be more inclined to choose right for themselves.  The biggest turn-off for me is hypocrisy.  I saw people who were very "religious" and not very kind.  I saw people who were all about rules and the way things should be, but not about the people. 

When I became an adult and had a true relationship and experience with God, I realized that He is much more interested in me and the motive of my heart than whether I say and do the "right" things.  That's a principle that we try to work with in our children.  We try to see past the action and into the motive.  For example, we are teaching our son to be kind and "gentlemanly".  Naturally a part of this is learning to hold the door for others, especially women and girls.  Jordan hit an age where she didn't want Calvin holding the door for her, she wanted to do it herself! This was a perfect opportunity to remind Calvin that the point of holding the door is to show kindness.  If someone wants to open it for themselves, it is kind to let them do it.  (And to teach Jordan that accepting an act of kindness is a gift that you can give to others!)

We really do believe that sex has it's proper place inside of marriage. We have seen the devastation in other's lives that has been wrought by the wide abandonment of this principle.  We have had our own share of troubles by indiscretions prior to marriage that stole a part of the Glory that God intended to be shared by a husband and wife.  If you stop for a moment and think of how wonderful it would be if the whole world shared this conviction… There would be no molestation, rape or incest. There would be little or no STDs.  There would be greatly reduced "unwanted" pregnancies.  There would be no adultery, which would certainly reduce the amount of divorce and marital strife.  There would be no pornography, no "kiddie-porn", no sexual exploitation of women, children and even men.  Not to mention the emotional benefits of having a fully trusting relationship, never wondering if you were "as good" as someone else, wondering whether your spouse was thinking of someone else while you were together.  No pressure for teens to lose their virginity, no unwed mothers, no shotgun weddings, no stigma for virginity…  Wow, back to reality I guess. 

So, if all of that is possible, why wouldn't I want the very best for my kids?  Why wouldn't I strongly encourage them to keep sex in it's intended place?  This brings me to another point that is troublesome: Sheltering.  It's a dirty word, as in "They really shelter their kids."  But the reality is that sheltering isn't bad, it's our job as parents.  What is inexcusable is sheltering without providing information and training, equipping children to make wise choices for themselves.  I was told that sex was for marriage.  That's all.  There was no guidance of what to do with my raging hormones or the thrilling feeling of holding hands, hugging and kissing.  I read every book in the Christian bookstore where I worked, desperately seeking an answer to the question "How far is too far?"  I found nothing, only empty phrases like "ask Jesus how far" or "pray about it."  Those are true, but not practical instruction for a frantic teen!  How I wish I had had a resource like those from Dannah Gresh (http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Dannah%20Gresh&detailed_search=1&action=Search) who takes girls through a series of questions about what they want to save for marriage, what they want to save for engagement, what they want to save for a serious boyfriend…  It gets girls involved in the thought process, a crucial element to "owning" your decision to wait, not just trying really hard to wait because it's the right thing to do.

My oldest kids are 7 and 9, we've already had "the talk" with them. Actually that's not true, it's not a single talk, it's a series of dialogues and captured moments that we take to show them what God says, tell them what we believe, tell them what others believe and discuss the differences with them.  We are setting the expectation that they will follow God's plan and wait until marriage, however we are also giving them the truth (in age appropriate pieces) about sex and the realities and consequences of those decisions.

We believe in being honest with our kids.  For us, this means no Santa Clause, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy.  They still get Christmas presents, Easter baskets and (outrageous amounts of) tooth  money.  We also believe that every family gets to make their own choice on those matters, and the family that "does" Santa is not evil, wrong or warping their children, just different.  We have told our kids that they shouldn't "ruin it" for someone else, because that would be mean, not to mention undermining another parent's wishes!  Being honest with them also means no empty promises, no empty threats, admitting when we are wrong and asking them for forgiveness.  There is nothing more humbling than apologizing for losing your temper and asking your child (or spouse) for forgiveness.  It also models appropriate behavior for them. It meant that when they asked "what if this baby dies too?" I didn't say "Oh, that won't happen sweetie."  I had to face the question head on. Tough stuff, this parenting business!

In closing (long overdue – I wonder if anyone actually read this far? LOL) I observed several different parenting styles when I was growing up.  My parents were very strict, so were most of my friend's parents.  I had one aunt and uncle who were "permissive", they never really disciplined, just yelled when things got out of hand.  Another aunt and uncle "talked them to death", never spanked or did much time out, just reasoned with their kids (which my mom said would never work – she was appalled!).  The bottom line, we all turned out fine.  Not one axe murderer among us.  No convicted felons, no abusers, no alcoholics… What really makes the difference is involved, caring parents. 

Our final philosophy?  "We are not raising children, we are raising adults."  What do we desire for those adults to be, do, have?  It is our job to be intentional about our parenting, always striving to do our best.  We will make mistakes, we will learn, we will change.

31 Days to Clean Challenge: Day 3

I'm excited to be participating in the 31 Days to Clean Challenge over at Joyful Mothering.  You can get a copy of the e-book on Amazon
(just click on the picture on the left!)


The Mary challenge this week was tough!  I interviewed each of my older children and my husband, individually. Here are there unedited responses to my question "As it pertains to the house, and what I do or don't do in it and for it, what makes you feel most loved?"

William (Husband):

• I feel loved when the floor has been picked up before I get home from work, so the area looks cleaner.   

• I like it when the kitchen is clean when I get home so I can serve my family by preparing dinner.  (I know - I'm blessed!)

• I felt really loved last week when I saw that ALL my laundry was clean at the same time.

Calvin (12 Year Old Son):

• I feel loved when you vacuum the floor and I don't get crunchies in my feet.  

• I feel loved when you clean my room. (he prepared for that one by saying "I don't want to tell you this one, because it will seem like I'm asking you to do it!")

Jordan (10 Year Old Daughter):

• I feel loved when you help me clean my room 

• When you tuck me in at night 

• When you help me when I'm doing something with Gavin or Aaron.  

• I feel loved when you remind me to pick up after myself.  

• I like it when you help me clean up after I paint

• When you help me with crafts and schoolwork.

The next thing I asked was "Is there anything that I do or don't do that makes you feel un-loved?"

William:
His answer was a furtive glance over my shoulder at my desk:

shame, shame, shame!

Calvin and Jordan both said they felt unloved when I yell at them :(

Wow - that was brutal!  I was afraid before I asked that they wouldn't be able to say anything that made them feel loved, because I'm NOT a great housekeeper.  I'm a lot of fun though ;)  (except when I'm yelling at my kids, apparently!)

After asking these questions, I reflected on what was behind the words, what they didn't say, or couldn't say. For William, I think he feels most loved when it is clear that we have prepared for his return for work.  For Calvin, he feels most loved when he feels served/cared for.  For Jordan, she feels most loved when we do things together.  If you've ever read Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you may see that these relate to the languages of Acts of Service and Quality Time.  I know that my husband's love languages are Gifts and Acts of Service.  My son's is Quality Time and Acts of Service.  My daughter's is Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

The challenge was to take what we learned and  apply or continue.  I have already begun implementing some "Welcome Home Daddy" type principles.  We stop about an hour or so before William is expected home and pick up our mess, make sure the counters are clean, the dishwasher is unloaded and try to straighten the Family Room.  I am going to try to make progress on my desk (bahhhhh - it would help if the other 4 people who can walk wouldn't put anything here too!)

In the last few weeks I've made a very concentrated effort NOT to yell, so that should help with the un-loved part for the kids.  For Calvin, I am going to spend more time vacuuming.  I really don't mind vacuuming that much, because it makes the house look so much better!  Plus, you have to clear the floor to vacuum, so that will kill 2 birds with one stone.  :)

For Jordan, I'm going to make a conscious effort to include her in my chores, rather than giving her something to do on her own.  Ever since she was a baby, she has been happiest when we were all in the same room!  When she started walking, she would drag everyone by the hand, one at a time, until we were all in the same place.  Then she would sit down and play quietly!

For the Martha challenge, fortunately I had a luxury last week:  2 maids came and cleaned!  So my cabinets are clean, even on top!

Reflections

RANDOM:  Here are some things that are rolling around in my head.

• God created Adam, then gave him work to do.  Then he created Eve and told her she was his help-meet.  When I moan about my husband not helping me at home, I am forgetting that it's my job to help him.  I don't like this very much. (Tony Evans said "God put work before woman.")  God, please help me to remember that my husband works hard and is more than enough help!

• We call Thomas the disciple "doubting Thomas" because he refused to believe that Christ had risen until he saw for himself.  How did Christ respond to Thomas?  Did he ridicule him, insist that he "just believe"?  No, he said "Peace be with you - come put your finger where the nails were."  He met him where he was and answered his questions.  Thomas wasn't a "doubter", he was an analytical person.  I need to remember this when dealing with my analytical children.  They don't believe until they see.  God, please help me to bring peace to them with my responses and SHOW them the way, not just tell them.
  
• I have a constant voice inside my head that says "I can't DO this!"  It is the automatic response to every parenting challenge, homeschool issue, housework dilemma, financial tangle, relational drama... everything!  I often feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up under the covers and hide for a week!  About every 37th time, I remember "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "His grace is sufficient for me, His strength is made perfect in weakness.  God please help me to remember this more quickly!  Help me to "decrease so you can increase".

I listened to a message on Christian radio this week that reminded me that "Easter means that the worst thing is not the last thing." (a quote from Frederick Buechner)  This plays out in so many areas of life, but the most real to me is losing Ian.  Easter has been rough for me for the last few years, I really thought that Ian would survive or be resurrected after we removed the life support.  I didn't get my way, I was angry about the concept of Christ being raised from the dead.  I know this may sound heretical or hypocritical or silly!  I have avoided the topic altogether, not watched Easter plays, scoffed at the mention of the importance of Jesus' blood.  I have a degree in Bible, I know the theology behind the importance of the substitutionary death of Christ.  I just didn't want to hear it.  It was a painful reminder that my prayer wasn't answered the way I wanted it to be.


I used to feel that losing Ian was the defining moment, that I would forever be regarded as a "bereaved mother".  That was going to be my lot in life and I had better accept it and play my part well.  I later decided that it would not define me, in fact, I decided to not be definable!  That may or may not have played into my blue highlights last year :)

I miss my blue highlights!

Anyway - I've learned that the "worst thing" (losing Ian) was not going to be the "last thing".  There have been so many great things that have happened in my life in the last 4 years.  I can choose to stay in the darkness of loss or I can choose to walk in the light of healing.