Reflections

RANDOM:  Here are some things that are rolling around in my head.

• God created Adam, then gave him work to do.  Then he created Eve and told her she was his help-meet.  When I moan about my husband not helping me at home, I am forgetting that it's my job to help him.  I don't like this very much. (Tony Evans said "God put work before woman.")  God, please help me to remember that my husband works hard and is more than enough help!

• We call Thomas the disciple "doubting Thomas" because he refused to believe that Christ had risen until he saw for himself.  How did Christ respond to Thomas?  Did he ridicule him, insist that he "just believe"?  No, he said "Peace be with you - come put your finger where the nails were."  He met him where he was and answered his questions.  Thomas wasn't a "doubter", he was an analytical person.  I need to remember this when dealing with my analytical children.  They don't believe until they see.  God, please help me to bring peace to them with my responses and SHOW them the way, not just tell them.
  
• I have a constant voice inside my head that says "I can't DO this!"  It is the automatic response to every parenting challenge, homeschool issue, housework dilemma, financial tangle, relational drama... everything!  I often feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up under the covers and hide for a week!  About every 37th time, I remember "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "His grace is sufficient for me, His strength is made perfect in weakness.  God please help me to remember this more quickly!  Help me to "decrease so you can increase".

I listened to a message on Christian radio this week that reminded me that "Easter means that the worst thing is not the last thing." (a quote from Frederick Buechner)  This plays out in so many areas of life, but the most real to me is losing Ian.  Easter has been rough for me for the last few years, I really thought that Ian would survive or be resurrected after we removed the life support.  I didn't get my way, I was angry about the concept of Christ being raised from the dead.  I know this may sound heretical or hypocritical or silly!  I have avoided the topic altogether, not watched Easter plays, scoffed at the mention of the importance of Jesus' blood.  I have a degree in Bible, I know the theology behind the importance of the substitutionary death of Christ.  I just didn't want to hear it.  It was a painful reminder that my prayer wasn't answered the way I wanted it to be.


I used to feel that losing Ian was the defining moment, that I would forever be regarded as a "bereaved mother".  That was going to be my lot in life and I had better accept it and play my part well.  I later decided that it would not define me, in fact, I decided to not be definable!  That may or may not have played into my blue highlights last year :)

I miss my blue highlights!

Anyway - I've learned that the "worst thing" (losing Ian) was not going to be the "last thing".  There have been so many great things that have happened in my life in the last 4 years.  I can choose to stay in the darkness of loss or I can choose to walk in the light of healing.