The End of Frustration

When I was in the hospital with pneumonia in December, a dear friend visited me and gave me a book called "The Secret Place of Strength".  She also gave me a journal and encouraged me to write.  To restate what the devotion said, to write my questions, to write my observations, my prayers, whatever!  I've been going through it as my daily (almost every day!) devotional.

Something wonderful has happened: I look forward to devotion time.  For a long time I've felt like I "should" do devotions.  I've tried.  I've got a ton of books.  I've got a ton of Bibles!  I've got a ton of good intentions!  But the time always felt pained, not quite wasted, but not fulfilling either.  (Is anyone else identifying with me?  I can't be the only "good Christian girl" who didn't live for devotional time!)  They have always been viewed as a chore; something else on the to do list that never got done.  I've never really been able to see them as "me time" - something that I do for my own pleasure and encouragement.  I've always felt they were part of the grading stick that I was failing.

Since I've been using this book and journal, I enjoy spending time with God.  I have always enjoyed worship, going to church, etc. - but devotion time has been less than thrilling.  Recently, I have been able to hear Him calling to me when the house is still "come sit with me".

I don't blog these times - they are mine!  However, as I was reflecting today, I felt I really needed to share a revelation with you!

Book Review: Fashioned by Faith

Book Description:
Everyone knows that we live in a “skin-is-in” society, heavily driven by media and immodesty. So how does a young Christian woman reconcile a fashionable wardrobe with maintaining her integrity?

Death, Birth Control, Duggars and Mega Families (I have one)

Duggars announce #20 on the Today show

"Ah, the Duggars! Just the name stirs so many emotions! You won't encounter many people who don't have a strong opinion on this topic!"

So started my response to a post in an online grief forum this morning.  One of the recently bereaved moms had vented her anger that the Duggars will soon have 20 children and she can't even have one.  Her "Friends" on Facebook had chimed in their two cents (and many cheap shots).

When I was in fresh grief, the only people that I felt deserved babies were people who had lost babies. No one else had a right to procreate!

• Unwed teens? NOPE! 
• College party girls? NOPE! 
• Childless couples? NOPE! 
• Someone with a living kid or two? NOPE! 
• Happily married high-school sweethearts? NOPE! 
• Remarried blended families? NOPE! 
• The Duggars? NOPE! 

Why should anyone else be blessed with a child when mine was taken away?

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That's all I need...

In the last 2 weeks I've:
(checking my calendar and text messages to remember who I am...)

• driven to 2 orthodontist appointments
• presented at 1 vendor fair
• hosted 1 party in my home
• attended 1 church leadership meeting (actually only half, I had to leave for another meeting)
• launched a fundraiser for Camp Sol
• Attended MOPS
• taken care of a 9 month well-care visit (and found out that he wasn't well - had an ear infection and is anemic)
• given antibiotic, tylenol and iron supplements to said 9 month old 2 times a day
• Met with the designer for the PINK Party, changed the name to "An Evening at the PINK Lounge"
• Attended a planning meeting for This Side Up's New Year's Eve Fundraiser
• launched 3 Gold Canyon virtual parties
• Picked up raffle items for the PINK Party Breast Cancer fundraiser (including massage, RoughRiders goodies, and 3 hours of home cleaning)
• Given a private scent sampling
• Organized a donation drive for my husband's Employee Appreciation event
• Been stood up by my own mother for daycare (she was sick - she didn't just dump me!)
• Toted my 10 year old and 9 month old with me to an Open House vendor event
• Been a single mom to 4 kids while William volunteered at Camp Sol this weekend
• Signed 3 detention slips
• Bartered for childcare by doing some graphic design
• Attended an awesome networking event with WEB and the Frisco Chamber
• Sorted 1 Gold Canyon order
• Placed 2 Gold Canyon orders
• Marketed the PINK thing on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn until I'm almost sick of it.

All of that on top of my regular stuff of chasing a toddler, nursing a baby, changing diapers, washing (the bare minimum amount of) clothes and dishes.  Oh, and 3 hours of homework each night with one of my big kids.

I messed up one meeting this week.  I traded cars with William (and he took the kids) so I could have a night "off".  With this night off, I was supposed to meet someone for a business activity.  I left my phone in the van and the family drove off with it.  I had no way to contact them until I returned home, 2 hours later.  They were worried, and then upset.

Why is it that I immediately forget all the good I've done, all I've accomplished and just feel like throwing up because I wasn't perfect?  I've got that hot, sticky-icky feeling down my arms and in the back of my throat.  I've actually taken my temperature 3 times - sure that I'm coming down with something.

Why am I up at 1 AM with a knot in my stomach because I'm afraid that I've lost their respect?

I know part of it is that I was out of my Zoloft for nearly a week.  I've just been back on the happy-meds for a few days, so I'm sure they aren't in full force yet.

Part of it is feeling overwhelmed at all I've got on my plate and having no end in sight (there is one, it's just still a little too far off to see)

Part of it is that my wonderful husband, partner - friend, is sick with an unknown ailment that causes him to black-out randomly, have short-term memory loss and be exhausted most of the time.  The man who once cooked  4-5 times a week with joy, now rattles up a pasta dish every now and then.

Part of it is my disgust with our financial situation - the every growing stack of unopened medical bills, late notices and "friendly reminder" letters, calls, e-mails - ad nauseam.

Part of it is my disgust with my response to all of this: ignore it and hope it will go away.  The only proactive thing that I've done is try to build my business - it's my "plan B" in case William can't work for some reason in the near future.

But I know that ALL OF IT is my burden.  I'm not supposed to be carrying it.  I'm supposed to exchange my burden with Christ.  His burden is light.  Why?  He just Loves.  Serves.  Enjoys.  He does the will of His Father and lets the Holy Spirit do His part too.

Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/all_i_need_is_you.html ]
One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

News from the homefront

Perhaps I should say "News from the Frontlines" - some days it seems more like a battlefield than a homefront!

This last month has brought a wave of changes.  I started up my Gold Canyon business again (the beauty of being in business for yourself) and have started meeting lots of other women who are building their businesses.  I really try to find out how I can help them, what they need and how I can connect them to resources.

A few things have really stuck in my mind the last few weeks:

Seek first the kingdom of God, and then all these things (provision and possessions) will be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)
and
You do what you can do, and let God do what only God can do. (Pastor Zack Miller of The Crossing Church)

This is hard for me.  I like to think.  I like to plan.  I like to succeed!  It's a challenge for me to sit back and rest, once I've done all I can do.  It's a challenge for me to prioritize time with God, learning, praying, worshiping over all the other stuff that needs to be done (let's not even talk about all the stuff I want to do!)  Yet, that's what is required.  I greatly admire people who maintain schedules and routines.  Sort of.  I mean, I love that my life is fluid and flexible.  I love that William and I make quick decisions and can turn on a dime to do something.  Homeschooling (unschooling, specifically) has been a great fit for this.

Yet, I know that I am actually very undisciplined and very selfish.  I know that my day would be better if I were to get up BEFORE the kids and visit with my Father.  I know that my relationship with William would be enhanced by breakfast together before he leaves for work.  I know that the entire family would benefit from a more dependable schedule.  The problem is... me.  The only thing standing in between me and what God called me to be, is me.

This prompts me continuously to pray "less of me, more of you"  and "oh that you would increase and I would decrease."  For which I promptly pat myself on the back and am proud of my Christ-likeness, then facepalm for the utter lack of humility that I've just shown.  So. Far. To. Go.  !!!

This inner struggle is probably invisible to all but my closest companions.  The outer struggle that is most apparent is parenting.  I know that to wonder about whether I am a good parent is in itself an answer to the question; bad parents don't care if they are bad parents.  I know that we have done a good job, our children are well-behaved (although still children!) and things could be much worse.  But I also know they could be much better!  Our children struggle with each other, argue, bicker, show selfishness (oops, sounds familiar - wonder where that came from?)  We strive to show leadership, grace, mercy and faithfulness in our parenting.    Many times we fail miserably.  We aren't afraid to ask for forgiveness and confess our shortcomings to them.

A friend and mentor said recently that she felt I had lost confidence in my parenting.  I have thought about this a lot!  It's true.  After we lost Ian and dealt with CPS, I was crushed.  I felt guilty, even though I did nothing wrong.  I felt that others blamed me, I blamed me.  It makes sense then, that I would lose confidence.  I didn't know that it was still this way though.  I have relied heavily on my husband, chosen to ignore the disrespectful attitudes that cropped up in my older kids (and are being repeated by the toddler).  As I have begun to realize this and try to regain confidence and re-assert my authority, there has been much resistance!  Daytime with an infant and toddler are trying enough, but add in a 10 and 12 year old that are adjusting to new expectations and that live in constant conflict with each other - well, it's almost unbearable some days!

I know that the kids need more structure, and I know that area is one of my weaker points.  I have some really good days, but then there are some really bad ones too!  I'm not expecting perfection from myself or my kids (I don't think!), but I would like a little consistency in all of us.  William has frequently asked if the kids "act like this" all day/week long with me.  This usually happens when he is home from work.  I used to excuse them, saying that it was just because they were out of "normal" with him home, that there were other factors.  As I've realized that I was circumventing the real issues, I started saying "yes, this is pretty much what it is all the time."

Last Friday was one such day.  William was working from home in advance of the holiday.  I left for 2 hours to meet with a friend to help her plan a women's conference.  When I returned, the decision to a long-pending question had been resolved: the kids are going back to school.

I have mixed feelings.  I am elated that I will not have to constantly settle petty disputes (at least for 8 hours of the day).  I'm glad that Jordan is super-excited and has already started planning her wardrobe and sharpening pencils (seriously - when she was supposed to be cleaning her room, she was collecting and sharpening pencils!)  I feel good that I will be able to focus more attention on my 2 little ones, and "home school" Gavin for pre-school.  I know that it's good for us all to get more structure, that the kids will meet new people, reconnect with old friends and be exposed to lots of new ideas.

On the flip side, I'm feeling a bit selfish for being happy to be without them for a while.  I'm sad for Calvin, who will have to cut his hair and who is not interested, in the least, in returning to school.  I'm not looking forward to back-to-school shopping, uniform procurement and the arguments that will ensue over "Why do I have to wear this?  Why can't they just let us wear jeans?"  I am bummed at the prospect of packing healthy lunches, getting breakfast in them before they leave and whether or not they will ride the bus.

All of this swirling has caused me to remember another verse:

"Be still and know that I Am God." Psalm 46:10

Since I have a migraine headache right know, being still sounds good!  As a stay-at-home mom to 4, it's just not realistic!  Even when daddy gets home, there is work to do, errands to run, pee-pee to clean off of the bathroom floor (don't let a 3 YO brush his teeth BEFORE he goes potty!)  So, instead I have to still my heart, still my mind, and know:

verb (used with object)

1. to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty: I know the situation fully.
2. to have established or fixed in the mind or memory: to know a poem by heart; Do you know the way to the park from here?
3. to be cognizant or aware of: I know it.

That HE is God.  I am not.  I cannot control, I cannot reason it out, I cannot come to the right conclusion on my own.  I don't hold all of the puzzle pieces.  I don't have the lid to the box!  I don't even know what I'm supposed to be piecing together - but He does.

Which makes me think of another one:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

 Know - there's that word again!  ...that God CAUSES everything to work together for my good.

Even my mess.  Even my imperfections.  Even my hurts, my failures, my pride - he MAKES them work together for my good.

Amen.

Be Still and Know from Zazzle.com

LRH: Good Sportsmanship Lesson Plan - Lesson 9

Lesson 9: Self-Control
Devotional Text:

James 3:2-8
2 All of us do many wrong things. But if you can control your tongue, you are mature and able to control your whole body.  3 By putting a bit into the mouth of a horse, we can turn the horse in different directions.  4 It takes strong winds to move a large sailing ship, but the captain uses only a small rudder to make it go in any direction.  5 Our tongues are small too, and yet they brag about big things.  It takes only a spark to start a forest fire!   6 The tongue is like a spark. It is an evil power that dirties the rest of the body and sets a person's entire life on fire with flames that come from hell itself.  7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures can be tamed and have been tamed.  8 But our tongues get out of control. They are restless and evil, and always spreading deadly poison. (CEV)

Memory Verse::

2 Timothy 1:7b The Spirit gives us power, love, and self-control. (CEV)

What does it mean to be in control?

• When you are using a controller for a video game, you make the player move by the actions that you take.
• When you control a car, you use a small steering wheel to control a large car, or like in our devotional text, a ship’s captain uses a small rudder to control a large ship.

How can we be “self-controlled”?

• As we learn the other aspects of good sportsmanship, like patience, fairness, honesty, and being humble, it is easier to be self-controlled, but we can’t do it all by ourselves!
• That’s why God gave us the Holy Spirit.  He’s kind of like the cricket in Pinocchio, our conscience!  He’s always there, right by our side, even inside!  He reminds us to do the right thing, follow the rules, hold our temper and to be compassionate.  God’s word tells us that God has given us a spirit (a way to live our lives) of Power, Love and Self-Control.  We have help!

Next Lesson: Compassion & Mercy (final lesson)
Just joining us?  Start with Lesson 1

LRH: Good Sportsmanship Lesson Plan - Lesson 6

Lesson 6: Integrity

Memory Verse:

Psalm 101:2-3 I will be careful to live a blameless life … I will lead a life of integrity in my own home. (NLT)

New Word:

in·teg·ri·ty   
[in-teg-ri-tee] –noun
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

• What does it mean to blame someone?  (You say that someone did something or caused something to happen, usually something wrong.)
• How do you feel when you've done something wrong, and then you get “blamed” for it?  
• How about when you've done nothing wrong and are accused of something?  
• What do you think it means to be blameLESS?  (It means that there is no cause for blame, the charges won’t stick.)  

If you are blameless, you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve followed the rules, then you have integrity.  That’s what integrity means, to follow the rules.  In our memory verse, the Psalmist says that he will have integrity in his own home.  What do you think that could mean?  I think that it means that we should have integrity, with our families, but also when no-one is looking, when no-one would know whether we broke the rules or not.

Next Lesson: Pride & Humility

Just joining us?  Start with Lesson 1

LRH: Good Sportsmanship Lesson Plan - Lesson 5

Lesson 5: Honesty & Cheating
Memory Verse:

Proverbs 11:1 The LORD hates cheating, but he delights in honesty. (NLT)

Watch "The Cheating Scales of Bullemanka" from 3-2-1- Penguins

Scripture:

2 Timothy 2:1-7 (Doing Your Best for God)  1. So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ. 2. Pass on what you heard from me--the whole congregation saying Amen!-to reliable leaders who are competent to teach others. 3. When the going gets rough, take it on the chin with the rest of us, the way Jesus did. 4. A soldier on duty doesn't get caught up in making deals at the marketplace. He concentrates on carrying out orders. 5. An athlete who refuses to play by the rules will never get anywhere. 6. It's the diligent farmer who gets the produce. 7. Think it over. God will make it all plain. (The Message)

• The best professional athletes rarely have a "win at any cost" attitude. You're more likely to hear them talk about how much they love their sport and how much personal satisfaction and enjoyment they get from it. 
• Honesty and integrity should be the two hallmarks of any athlete. Good sportsmanship means playing honestly and fairly at all times, and never indulging in any type of cheating. Taking performance-enhancing drugs, using illegal equipment, and committing “dirty fouls” are all ways in which one can abuse the enjoyment and spirit of a particular sport. Only losers resort to these methods. (taken from an article in The Catholic Exchange by Kevin J. Wright)

Next Lesson: Integrity
Just joining us?  Start with Lesson 1

LRH: Good Sportsmanship Lesson Plan - Lesson 4

Lesson 4: Fairness

Memory verse:

Leviticus 19:15a  Be fair, no matter who is on trial. (CEV)

Definition:

1a. Having or exhibiting a disposition that is free of favoritism or bias; impartial: a fair mediator.
1b. Just to all parties; equitable: a compromise that is fair to both factions.
2. Consistent with rules, logic, or ethics: a fair tactic.

What does it mean to be fair?

• It means to have the same rules for everyone.  If Billy can’t take an extra turn because he landed on green, then neither can the rest of the players.  If landing on 100 gives Adam 100 points, then every player that lands on 100 gets 100 points.  If Steve cannot jump his own playing piece, then no one else can either.
• Sometimes we want to favor, or be extra nice to, our friends.  That’s ok, but not when it means that we leave other players out.  Being fair means that everyone plays by the same rules.  When the game is fair, and everyone is playing fair, then you can know for sure that whoever wins, really won the game.

Just joining us?  Start with Lesson 1

LRH: Good Sportsmanship Lesson Plan - Lesson 3

Lesson 3: Sportsmanship & Winning

We've all seen this around:

"Second place is the first loser" - that's just not very nice!  Yet is is EVERYWHERE!  How do we need to behave as Christians when we win?

Devotional Text:

Proverbs 17:17 (NIV)
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (tough times)

Remember:

sports•man•ship  (spôrts m n-sh p , sp rts -) - n.
1. The fact or practice of participating in sports or a sport.
2. Conduct and attitude considered as befitting participants in sports,
especially fair play, courtesy, striving spirit, and grace in losing.

Winning is everything – or is it?

• Remember that in every game, there are winners & losers
• How many winners are there?  Usually one person, or one team.  
• That means that when you win, there are quite a few people who didn't win.  They will probably feel bad that they lost, they might even try to accuse you of cheating, or being unfair.

You should encourage lesser players

• “A friend loves at all times” - even when he wins the game!  
• How do you like to be treated when you have lost?  Then treat other players that way when you win.

Next Lesson: Fairness
Just joining us?  Start with Lesson 1

Reflections

RANDOM:  Here are some things that are rolling around in my head.

• God created Adam, then gave him work to do.  Then he created Eve and told her she was his help-meet.  When I moan about my husband not helping me at home, I am forgetting that it's my job to help him.  I don't like this very much. (Tony Evans said "God put work before woman.")  God, please help me to remember that my husband works hard and is more than enough help!

• We call Thomas the disciple "doubting Thomas" because he refused to believe that Christ had risen until he saw for himself.  How did Christ respond to Thomas?  Did he ridicule him, insist that he "just believe"?  No, he said "Peace be with you - come put your finger where the nails were."  He met him where he was and answered his questions.  Thomas wasn't a "doubter", he was an analytical person.  I need to remember this when dealing with my analytical children.  They don't believe until they see.  God, please help me to bring peace to them with my responses and SHOW them the way, not just tell them.
  
• I have a constant voice inside my head that says "I can't DO this!"  It is the automatic response to every parenting challenge, homeschool issue, housework dilemma, financial tangle, relational drama... everything!  I often feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up under the covers and hide for a week!  About every 37th time, I remember "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "His grace is sufficient for me, His strength is made perfect in weakness.  God please help me to remember this more quickly!  Help me to "decrease so you can increase".

I listened to a message on Christian radio this week that reminded me that "Easter means that the worst thing is not the last thing." (a quote from Frederick Buechner)  This plays out in so many areas of life, but the most real to me is losing Ian.  Easter has been rough for me for the last few years, I really thought that Ian would survive or be resurrected after we removed the life support.  I didn't get my way, I was angry about the concept of Christ being raised from the dead.  I know this may sound heretical or hypocritical or silly!  I have avoided the topic altogether, not watched Easter plays, scoffed at the mention of the importance of Jesus' blood.  I have a degree in Bible, I know the theology behind the importance of the substitutionary death of Christ.  I just didn't want to hear it.  It was a painful reminder that my prayer wasn't answered the way I wanted it to be.


I used to feel that losing Ian was the defining moment, that I would forever be regarded as a "bereaved mother".  That was going to be my lot in life and I had better accept it and play my part well.  I later decided that it would not define me, in fact, I decided to not be definable!  That may or may not have played into my blue highlights last year :)

I miss my blue highlights!

Anyway - I've learned that the "worst thing" (losing Ian) was not going to be the "last thing".  There have been so many great things that have happened in my life in the last 4 years.  I can choose to stay in the darkness of loss or I can choose to walk in the light of healing.

Alive in Christ or just another Zombie?

James 2:20 "Faith without works is dead".

A Christian who (2 Timothy 3:5) "has a form of godliness but denies the power therein" is just like a Zombie.

Everytime you see a zombie this Halloween season - ask yourself if you are Alive in Christ!

21 Days: Reflections on a Facebook Fast

Even though we're only reading chapter 16 tonight, our 21 day fasting portion is drawing to a close.  I really didn't think that giving up Facebook would be easy, I was pleasantly surprised.  In fact, about a week into it, I considered giving up something else too.

My biggest surprise was how often I thought about updating my status.  I didn't realize how self-centered I am, and how much I crave other's interactions.  I like to try to be witty, I'd like to say that it is for the pleasure of others, but I fear that it is more for self-gratification.  I like to post updates about my busy days so that others will say "I don't know how you do it!"I like to post frustrations with my day so others will feel sorry for me, or share their horror stories to make me feel better.

There were a few things that I missed (and will be checking on shortly!)  My friend Michelle is pregnant with twins.  The first day of my fast she posted the sono video where they found out they were boys.  A dear friend passed away and I need to add my memorials to his "wall".  I probably have a friend request or two, and I have a couple of people that I've met who I'd like to look up. 

Ironically, my church has a new ministry position as a "Facebook Greeter", several friends have asked if I'll go for that!  Is it sacrilegious to end my FB fast with becoming a FB minister?  LOL

The purpose of a fast (as I understand it) is to sacrifice something that is important to you and replace that time or desire with God.  In my non-FB time, I've prayed more, listened to more worship/Christian music, volunteered with Women of Faith, reached out to friends in more traditional ways like phone and text (is that traditional?  I don't know).  I've spent time with my family reading the Bible and discussing.  I've blogged about our journey (which I pray will be transparent enough to encourage others.)

Another wonderful thing happened.  My joy was restored.  I don't think that this is entirely due to the FB fast.  I think it has been a long time coming, it happened to culminate at this time.  Perhaps it is because I was more in tune with God and less concerned about myself.  I was really taken by surprise at this return.

My joy departed on November 2, 2006.  That's the night that our 3 month old baby stopped breathing, then spent 3 days in the hospital before he died.  My joy died with him.  I thought I would never smile or laugh again.  I wondered if I could ever love again with the same kind of abandon.

I've been reading The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical and Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality.  I really have enjoyed each of them and have shared many passages with my husband.  I found myself with my heart racing and unable to wait until the next page.  I thought at first that it was just the joy of these author's stories and the passion that they stirred within me.  Then the fast heart beat and anticipation for other things began to surprise me.  I finally realized, as I was standing at the Women of Faith Volunteer check in, that I was joyful!  I didn't know how it snuck up on me.  I was excited, not for my experience, but for what God would do in the lives of the women around me.  I was praying selflessly that God would use me, that I would be a small part of a wonderful get-away and refreshing for those who would be coming in.

Although there were many moments that I felt an internal conflict with the "packaged and prepared" worship being so polished and perfect, or the consumerism mentality (I was working the sales table.  I actually heard one woman say "I'm coveting this Bible.  I don't need another Bible but it's purple!") - I still did not have  critical spirit.  I was able to overlook much of what happened because the Spirit of God was so powerful during the speakers.  Women were moved to tears and worship and many accepted Christ for the first time.  I saw teenagers convulsing with painful tears during Nicole Johnson's drama on abortion.  I saw women embrace each other, wiping tears from their eyes.  I know God moved in that place, perhaps in spite of the commercial polish?

I am so thankful for the return of Joy.  I've missed it terribly.  This is just one of the "bones" that was crushed in our loss.  As I sat in service this morning I reflected on another blog post I wrote nearly 2 years ago.  I likened our loss to being hit by a train.  Not exactly a "get back on the horse" experience!  God revealed to me that just as physical therapy takes time, so does restoration of all things broken.  Trust, Hope, Joy, Peace - all were shattered in a few moments time.  All will be restored in HIS time.  The greatest thing is that when He restores, he restores to perfect.  Not the imperfect image we had before that we thought was so great.

My joy before came from a shallow place, an elementary understanding of God's will, grace and timing.  It wasn't wrong (necessarily), it was just imperfect.  In James chapter 1 we are told to:

2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

. (emphasis mine).  I've always loved this verse.  Isn't funny how we love something and don't understand it?  It's easy to tell someone else to "count it all joy", it's much harder (impossible-seeming sometimes!) to live it when your world has been shattered.  I used to sing that praise and worship song "Blessed Be The Name".  I would sing it so passionately in the car, loving that bridge "You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say, blessed be the name."  The emphasis (in my mind) was on the "give".  I was so thankful for all I'd been given.  I really was.  I thought I was holding loosely the gifts God had bestowed.  When a precious gift is "torn from your life" (as in the Natalie Grant song "Held") it is much more difficult to accept the "take away" portion.

When my dear friend Laura Belt passed away, this song was played at her funeral.  It was the day after my grandmother passed away and I was pregnant with Ian.  Needless to say, I was a mess!  The song hit me so hard that day.  I had no idea that 9 months later it would make the playlist for the first funeral I had ever planned.  Even to this day, when we sing it at church, I want to shout out "listen!  do you know what you're singing?  do you know the commitment you are expressing"  I want to share the back story, Job's story, my story.

So it is with the verses in James.  Do we understand?  I now have a glimpse into "why" we are to "count it all joy".  It doesn't say (or mean) that all things are joyful.  It's an accounting term.  It means that trials don't go into the "deficit" column.  They are "additions" to our lives.  They are an asset to us.  We are to see them for the good they will bring, for the good that God will work (as in "He works all things together for the good of them who love God and are called according to His purpose.").

So, my friends, this long and rambling post is coming to an end (did I hear an "Amen" somewhere? LOL)

I hope that as you've read you are encouraged to hang onto Jesus Christ, His Father God and the Holy Spirit who comforts us and teaches us all things.

21 Days: Day 14 (Is God's Love conditional?)

Did you miss the first post?

Last night we read John chapter 14.  We find lots of familiar verses here (in Fact Calvin actually stopped us from reading one, shouting "I know this, I know this!" and completing the rest of the verse from memory!).  What really stood out to me, however were verses 21-23 (emphasis mine):

"He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him." Judas (not Iscariot) said to Him, "Lord, what then has happened that You are going to disclose Yourself to us and not to the world?" Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him.

Doesn't this sound conditional?  I've heard all my life that God's love is unconditional, so this really made me think!  I wasn't going to bring it up last night, because I don't like to talk about things I've not yet resolved in my mind (personal flaw?) but I did.  The kids didn't have much to say, neither did William.  I thought back to the verse that we read earlier "For God so LOVED the world..."  There must have been a general over-all LOVE for the world, does our obedience spark a closer, more intimate love?

In this same passage (vs. 26) Jesus says that the Holy Spirit will "teach us all things", so I prayed last night that He would help clear this up.  William said that he'd bet I'd be ready to tie a bow on it by tomorrow (I love that man's confidence in me!)  Normally, I would research and form an opinion and THEN blog or teach.  Not today!  Today, I am going to take you along on the journey.  No promises for a pretty bow at the end :)

The first thing that I'm prompted to do is a word study on the original text for LOVE.  Don't get scared!  It's not that hard!  I'm going over to Bible Gateway. Scratch that - they don't have the online lexicon anymore.  Hang on...Google search, OK, now on to Blue Letter Bible.  See on the right where there are 2 search boxes?  The bottom one says LexCon (that's not very beginner friendly, is it?)  If you type "love" in that box, you come up with 40 results, 20 hebrew (Old Testament) and 20 Greek (New Testament).  Now, you could go through all of those, but that would take a long time!

I want to start with a known word in a specific verse though, so I typed "John 14:21" in the TOP search box.

That brings us to the verse with a whole bunch of funy little numbers above all the words:

Notice the numbers above each instance of the word "love", in this verse, they are all "25", this means that they are all the same original root word.  Click on that number and it takes you to this (hold on - don't blank out on me!):

In the upper right, you can click to have it pronounced for you (quite helpful!)  If you are not a word-nerd like me, just skip down to the definitions (Outline of Biblical Usage).  Here we see 2 definitions, and since in the context of the verse we are talking about people, so definition 1 applies:

1) of persons

a) to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly

At this point I am interested to see that the love that we have for Him (expressed as keeping his word) is the same as His love for us.  To be fond of, to love dearly.  I am compelled to wonder if I love God this well...
 
The next thing I'd like to do is compare with the word used in John 3:16 (go on - find it for yourself.  I'll wait.  You learn best by doing!)
 
So - what did you find?
 
Really?  Me too!  It's the same word!  Hmm, now I'm puzzled!  God already loved us, then when we keep Jesus's commandments, it shows we love Him, and Jesus loves us, then God loves us.
 
The next thing I'll do is scroll down to the Concordance portion.  It shows us the verses where this word is used.  It can help to get a better contextual understanding of the word.  Now remember, this root word is Greek, so the verses are all going to be New Testament.
 
I see that we should:
Love our neighbors
Love our enemies
Love God (not money)
 
Jesus loved the rich man (then told him to sell all he had and give it to the poor)
The pharisees loved the good seats in the synogogue (this would be definition 2, to be well-pleased with a thing)
 
At this point I'm becoming convinced that God's Love is not conditional.  It existed before our obedience (John 3:16) and it is manifested in different ways.  Can you see how dangerous it can be to base a theology on a single verse?
 
This has not been an "in depth" study, and I'm sure that many have taken it further, and others will take it further.  I'd love to hear about your opinions and see any links that you have to Biblical studies on the Love of God!