Today a fellow bereaved mom, still fresh in her grief posted about holding a baby for the first time since her son passed away. She shared her fears and why she didn't want to hold another baby. She finished by saying:
"just know that when you are faced with holding a baby again the sweet innocence they share with you in your moment does help heal a small part of you"
My first time to hold a baby after Ian's death was also healing. It was only about 2 weeks after Ian passed away. The niece of a close friend was born the day before Ian - she came to visit while I was there at my friend's house. My friend asked if I could hold her while they brought some things in from the car.
She was fussy and as soon as I took her into my arms, she quieted down. I held her close to me and closed my eyes - but only for a moment... it was too easy to pretend that she was Ian. The mom came in and wondered aloud how I got her to calm down and my friend said "she's a mom with experience!" and then it dawned on everyone how hard it must be for me - I saw it in their eyes. I looked down at the baby girl and gave her her bottle, then handed her back to mom.
It was a terrible and blessed experience. Cathartic, I believe is what they call it.
It is only through facing our fears and the toughest moments of life, then living to tell about it, that we grow into ourselves.