In the last 2 weeks I've:
(checking my calendar and text messages to remember who I am...)
- driven to 2 orthodontist appointments
- presented at 1 vendor fair
- hosted 1 party in my home
- attended 1 church leadership meeting (actually only half, I had to leave for another meeting)
- launched a fundraiser for Camp Sol
- Attended MOPS
- taken care of a 9 month well-care visit (and found out that he wasn't well - had an ear infection and is anemic)
- given antibiotic, tylenol and iron supplements to said 9 month old 2 times a day
- Met with the designer for the PINK Party, changed the name to "An Evening at the PINK Lounge"
- Attended a planning meeting for This Side Up's New Year's Eve Fundraiser
- launched 3 Gold Canyon virtual parties
- Picked up raffle items for the PINK Party Breast Cancer fundraiser (including massage, RoughRiders goodies, and 3 hours of home cleaning)
- Given a private scent sampling
- Organized a donation drive for my husband's Employee Appreciation event
- Been stood up by my own mother for daycare (she was sick - she didn't just dump me!)
- Toted my 10 year old and 9 month old with me to an Open House vendor event
- Been a single mom to 4 kids while William volunteered at Camp Sol this weekend
- Signed 3 detention slips
- Bartered for childcare by doing some graphic design
- Attended an awesome networking event with WEB and the Frisco Chamber
- Sorted 1 Gold Canyon order
- Placed 2 Gold Canyon orders
- Marketed the PINK thing on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn until I'm almost sick of it.
All of that on top of my regular stuff of chasing a toddler, nursing a baby, changing diapers, washing (the bare minimum amount of) clothes and dishes. Oh, and 3 hours of homework each night with one of my big kids.
I messed up one meeting this week. I traded cars with William (and he took the kids) so I could have a night "off". With this night off, I was supposed to meet someone for a business activity. I left my phone in the van and the family drove off with it. I had no way to contact them until I returned home, 2 hours later. They were worried, and then upset.
Why is it that I immediately forget all the good I've done, all I've accomplished and just feel like throwing up because I wasn't perfect? I've got that hot, sticky-icky feeling down my arms and in the back of my throat. I've actually taken my temperature 3 times - sure that I'm coming down with something.
Why am I up at 1 AM with a knot in my stomach because I'm afraid that I've lost their respect?
I know part of it is that I was out of my Zoloft for nearly a week. I've just been back on the happy-meds for a few days, so I'm sure they aren't in full force yet.
Part of it is feeling overwhelmed at all I've got on my plate and having no end in sight (there is one, it's just still a little too far off to see)
Part of it is that my wonderful husband, partner - friend, is sick with an unknown ailment that causes him to black-out randomly, have short-term memory loss and be exhausted most of the time. The man who once cooked 4-5 times a week with joy, now rattles up a pasta dish every now and then.
Part of it is my disgust with our financial situation - the every growing stack of unopened medical bills, late notices and "friendly reminder" letters, calls, e-mails - ad nauseam.
Part of it is my disgust with my response to all of this: ignore it and hope it will go away. The only proactive thing that I've done is try to build my business - it's my "plan B" in case William can't work for some reason in the near future.
But I know that ALL OF IT is my burden. I'm not supposed to be carrying it. I'm supposed to exchange my burden with Christ. His burden is light. Why? He just Loves. Serves. Enjoys. He does the will of His Father and lets the Holy Spirit do His part too.
Left my fear by side of the road
Hear You speak, won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love, that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You
All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/all_i_need_is_you.html ]
One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would the world be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me
All I need is You
All I need is You Lord, is You Lord
All I need is You
You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold
